"Phil
of the Future"
Script
Episode:
"Pheromonally Yours"
Premiered: Friday, August
6th, 2004 on Disney Channel
CAST
FOR THIS EPISODE
Phil
Diffy ... Ricky Ullman
Lloyd
Diffy ... Craig Anton
Pim
Diffy ... Amy Bruckner
Keely
Teslow ... Alyson Michalka
Bradley
Benjamin Farmer ... Rory Thost
Tia ... Brenda Song
Seth
Wosmer ... Evan Peters
Debbie
Berwick ... Kay Panabaker
Marla
Beauregard ... Sarah Godshaw
Beefeater ... John
O'Brien
Mr.
Ginsberg ... Ted Davis
WORD OF WARNING || PLEASE READ CAREFULLY >>
The following script, composed by me (Sayuri/Chrystie), is copyright material
of ME. In other words, I own this
completely. However, this is not the exact duplicated script
of the official “Phil of the Future” crew, cast, and
authority—such as producers and directors...that is what I do not own. The script you are about to view was
influenced by the actions of the cast and is as close to verbatim as
possible. I try and research
guest-star character names, and other words of concern, to see how they are spelled. This is why the script below should not
be considered official. The script
should only be used as a reference to fans. It took me an awful long time and a
chunk of my schedule to complete these scripts. Please treat me and my works with
respect by crediting me if you want to use these on your fan sites. YOU
MUST BE GRANTED PERMISSION, PERSONALLY BY ME, FIRST. Email me at this address for the request
to use these scripts: sayuri@kuroi-hoshi.org. Then, you may link my website to show
credit: http://sayuri.kuroi-hoshi.org. Thank you, and enjoy “Phil of the
Future”!
Also ... >> Words that have asterisks (*) next
to them indicate that these may not be the correct words, phrases, spelling of
a name, etc. Anything that has
brackets [like this] means that there is an explanation for the matter. Sometimes the actors speak too fast or
mumble so that it is very hard to decipher what they are saying at times. It’s not noticeable when
you’re watching it for fun; but, when you do projects like these, you
begin to realize how hard it really is!
Hey, I try my best!
It’s so hard to be a fan!
J
---
Intro/Scene
1 - Phil is at the water fountain getting a drink of water
in the hallway among lockers, a stairwell, and students getting to class.
Marla (drops her books down the stairs when bumped
into by a random student): Ugh, excuse me!
Phil (walks over to Marla and smiles): Oh,
hey, can I help you with that?
Marla: Oh, why thank
you! These books are more slippery
than a greased pig at a Fourth of July picnic!
Phil (laughs uneasily): Ye-eah! I know what you mean...
Marla: Well, I'm Marla
Beauregard.
Phil: I'm Phil
Diffy! Aren't you in Mr. Ginsberg's
English class?
Marla: Why I believe
I am! Are you ready for that
dreadful midterm he's cooked up for us?
Phil: No, I'm
not! (bell rings) Ah, well,
we'd better get to class. Here, let
me take some of those for you. (takes some of Marla's books)
Marla: Oh my! You're gonna help carry my books?
Phil: Well, if I
carried you, people might stare. (Marla stays behind staring at Phil dreamily as he
begins to walk ahead ... he soon turns around) You coming?
Marla (snaps out of her trance): Of course,
Phillip! (to herself aloud) I'd
follow you barefoot through a briar's patch...
>> CUE THEME SONG <<
Scene
2 - The Diffy living room. Pim is lying on the
couch watching television, apparently a game show, eating Twizzlers/licorice.
TV Voice (Host): According to
experts, a hundred years from now, kids will have no cavities. True or false?
Pim: False.
TV Voice
(Contestant): True.
TV Voice (Host): Correct! Okay, next question...
Pim: Are you kidding
me? I got a mouth full of
cavities! And I've also got the
clicker. (changes the channel) See ya! (Lloyd,
Pim’s father, takes the clicker and turns the TV off) ...Dad? What did I say about doing that?
Lloyd: Pim, you can't
lie around the house everyday. Hey, you need a hobby.
Pim: I have
one. It's called "television
viewing".
Lloyd: I don't know
what kids do in this century...I guess they play their sports and they do their
little music; but, you got to do something. You're not gonna waste your life lying
on this couch. (Pim scoots
over and sits up, grinning at her father) ...Or sitting on this couch.
Pim: All right... (exit
Pim. Lloyd
then grabs the clicker and turns the TV back on)
TV Weatherman
Voice: For the extended forecast, we're looking at... [the rest is inaudible enough to
decipher]
Lloyd: Ah, The
Weather Channel! Oh...it's raining
in
Scene
3 - H.G. Wells Jr./
Tia: That's
perfect, Seth. Thank you. (Seth
doesn't stop peppering) Who-oa...walk away...uh, Earth to
Seth! (enter Keely)
Seth: OH! Sorry...
Keely: I'll take some
pepper, Seth! (enter Phil & Marla... Seth shoves the
pepper-cracker over to her while gawking at Tia admiringly)
Marla: And even
though the sun sets, you fill my heart with light!
Phil: Uh...David
Butler Thurman!
Marla: Ahuh! Ain't you clever! Oh, shug, you got a dangler...I think
it's puddin'. (licks her finger and wipes Phil's chin) All better! See ya after school! (exit
Marla)
Tia: Uh,
hello? Yeah, what was that about?!
Phil: What? (Tia points in the direction Marla went) Oh, Marla! Yeah, we're gonna study together for
Ginsberg's poetry test.
Keely: Phil, do you
like that girl?
Phil: Like
her?! No. You mean like?! No, I barely
know her!
Tia: Well, she
likes you!
Phil: I don't think
so.
Seth: Phil, I'm the
last guy to get stuff, but I think Tia's right. That Marla LIKES you!
Phil: Guys, she
dropped one of her books and I gave her a hand. That's all.
Keely: Phil, let me
clue you in. When you do things for
a girl, they have meanings.
Phil: Like what?
Keely: Like if you
carry her books, that means you're interested.
Tia: If you open
the door for her...
Keely: That means
you're interested, but currently seeing someone.
Tia: Giving
somebody cuts in line...
Keely: Front cuts
mean you think she's cute. Back
cuts — (Tia joins in with Keely simultaneously) —
let’s be friends.
Seth (to Phil):
Oh don't worry; I'm jotting all of this down for us!
Phil: Great...
Scene
4 - Pim is looking at a bulletin board for extracurricular
activities she could join. She
takes a flyer that advertises to be in the school orchestra. Scene cuts to band room/auditorium where
the students are practicing their music.
(Pim clears her throat after walking up to Bradley)
Bradley: We're not done yet, thank
you. You can sweep up later.
Pim: Hey, I'm not
the janitor! I'm here to join the
orchestra.
Bradley: Oh,
really? You have a name?
Pim: Pim. You?
Bradley: Bradley
Benjamin Farmer.
Pim: What
instrument do I play?
Bradley (laughs and steps down from the podium):
Pim, I take my job very seriously.
Meaning, I need musicians. Not
wannabe's who waste my time.
Pim: Here's the
poop--I can't go home until I get a hobby.
In other words, you find me an instrument or I'm bunking at your house.
(cut to Pim on the gong...banging it at all the wrong
cues and Bradley screams, annoyed)
Scene
5 - Phil and Marla are sitting at a table in the library studying.
Phil: Are you on
page 12 yet? (Marla instantly snaps a photo
of Phil) What're you doing?!
Marla:
Scrapbookin'! This one's gonna go
right on the cover of my Phil Diffy edition!
Phil: The poetry
test is on Friday, okay? So we
really need to buckle down. You
see, "buckle down" is a metaphor for study. And a metaphor is...?
Marla: A
comparison! But, a simile is a
comparison using the words "like" or "as"!
Phil (points to the librarian): Miss Fibbs is
as crusty as a piece of toast.
Marla (laughs): And you are as funny as a mule
in a bowtie!
(Phil sees Tia's face appear in a statue
and says, "Uh-uh-uh! Phil,
whatever you do, don't try to make her laugh.")
Phil: I...wasn't
trying to make you laugh! I...was
just trying to give you an example of a simile. Are you on page 12 yet?
Marla: Almost. Want a piece? (offers
Phil a stick of gum)
Phil: Sure. (freezes as he begins to imagine Keely's face in a globe that says, "These are the rules, Phil. No matter what you do, don't take
anything from her--gum, mints, nuts of any kind. It all means one
thing--commitment.") Really?
Marla: Really what?
Phil: I'm...really
not interested in nuts, mints, gum of any kind.
Marla: Okay...
Scene
6 - The band room/auditorium and the students in the orchestra.
Bradley: As you know,
Friday is our big recital. Our
performance will feature a talented, young soloist who will sing a wonderful
song. (Pim bangs the gong) Pim, I said song, not gong. (she
bangs it again)
Pim: Gotta speak
up! There's a lot of noise back
here!
Bradley:
Anyhoo...without further ado let me introduce our lovely soloist, Miss Deborah
Berwick! (loud clapping as Pim rolls her eyes and makes faces)
Debbie: Bradley Benjamin
Farmer, how are you?! (they both do fake kisses on each other's
cheeks)
Bradley: Debbie, you
haven't aged a bit! I haven't seen
you in so long! (Pim
bangs the gong again)
I...said...LONG!
Debbie: Is that Pim
Diffy on gong?! (waves to Pim)
Bradley (quietly to Debbie): Tell me you don't know her. Please,
tell me you don’t know her.
Debbie: Oh, of course
I know Pim! She's a treasure! (waves
to Pim again)
>> Rehearsal sequence begins with Debbie singing a line from
“Give My Regards to Broadway” by
George M. Cohan, repetitively, with Pim hitting or not hitting
the gong at all the wrong times comically. <<
Pim: Hey,
Debbie. I jumped a couple of those
gongs. But, don’t worry! I’ll nail it tomorrow night at the
concert. Who knew a hobby could be
so much fun? (looks at Bradley and makes a southern accent, gives him a
thumbs-up) Down the road, farmer! (exit
Pim)
Debbie: Um...to spare
Pim some embarrassment, I think she
should miss the concert tomorrow night.
She’ll thank us later!
Bradley (grins): Brilliant...
Debbie (walks off): Good luck telling her! (Bradley’s grin turns to a look of horror)
Scene
7a – H.G. Wells Jr./
Tia: Oh...hold the
anchovy. I hate those salty, little
devils! (Seth instantly chucks the
anchovy behind him—sending it flying across the cafeteria)
Keely (to Phil as he sits down with his tray—she
mimics Marla’s southern accent): My stars! It’s that heartthrob Phil Diffy!
Tia (also mimics Marla): C’mere, shug, you got a big ol’ dangly! (Keely
and Tia mimic how Marla licked her thumb and wiped off Phil’s chin)
Phil: Yeah, I
know...uh, you know what? I think
I’ve actually taken care of the Marla situation. I gave her nothing to misinterpret. In fact, I think I’ve heard the
last of old Marla. (enter Beefeater with boombox and
long trumpet)
Beefeater: Hear yee, hear
yee! Be it proclaimed throughout
this land, H.G. Wells Jr./Sr. High, that Maiden Marla loves Squire Phil. (loud
laughter from Keely and Tia...Phil is startled and horrified) May their passion be born on the wings
of a thousand doves. This love
decree hath ended. (rolls up scroll and leans over to Phil
and says in a normal voice) Yo,
chief—you know where I can grab a cab?
Phil: Not a clue.
... How about that? Uh, Marla
must’ve met another guy named Phil.
Keely (eyeing the doorway to the cafeteria): I
don’t think so, Squire... (Marla blows a kiss to Phil when he turns around)
>> CUE COMMERCIAL BREAK <<
Scene
7b – Same as 7a...minus the salad segment. Phil looks stressed.
Keely: Phil, you have
to do something. You have to talk
to her.
Tia: Forget
talk! Kick her to the curb!
Phil: I have to
break up with her? How...I, I...
Keely: Don’t
look at me! I’ve never broken
up with anybody.
Tia: Look,
it’s a snap. You know the guy
I’m going out with—Mikey Watson?
Seth: Mikey
Watson—a.k.a. the luckiest guy in the ninth grade. (Tia
looks at Seth weirded out) I’ve heard of him...
Tia: I was gonna
cut him loose on Monday, anyway, but if this helps...HEY MIKEY! These last few
weeks have been huge; but, we’re done. (Mikey
starts crying with his head on the table) See! Painless! (Mikey’s friend comforts him as he mouths to
Tia: “Call me!”)
Phil: I can’t
do that...
Scene
9 – Phil is seeking advice with his father, Lloyd, at home.
Phil: I don’t
know what to do. See, if I tell
Marla that I don’t like her...then, it’ll hurt her feelings.
Lloyd: Son,
it’s a good thing you came to me.
This is what you call a classic father-son moment!
Phil: You mean girls
had crushes on you when you were growing up?
Lloyd: No...but they
uh, did on my old college roommate Rex.
Phil:
Rex...Rex. Isn’t that the guy
Mom almost married?
Lloyd: Let’s
not go there! Anyway, he had so
many girls chasing me he used one of these. (dusts
off one of his futuristic gadgets)
Phil: Oh, one of
those old-fashioned DNA scramblers.
Lloyd: Yep, I never
go anywhere without this thing! Oh,
they’re a hoot at parties.
It’ll make you look so strange Marla’ll be running for the
hills!
Phil: Great! Thanks, Dad!
Lloyd (laughs): Hey, remember when I used it on
your Uncle Milt? Made his lips look
like a fish...?
Phil: Yeah, you-you
really...lightened up his funeral.
Lloyd (laughs): That’s what I’m
saying! (Phil gives him a weird look)
Scene
10 – Classroom.
Phil (to
Marla): Hey, ready to study?
Marla: Ready
isn’t the word! So,
what’d ya think of my proclamation
at lunch?
Phil: Oh, it was a
proclamation! Yeah, I was uh,
wondering what that was... (secretly turns on the DNA scrambler)
Marla: Yeah, that was
my Uncle Jerry. He does some
regional dinner theater.
Phil: Well, he is
uh, he is quite the thespian. (activates the DNA scrambler to make his head
appear distorted with a larger upper head)
Marla (gasps): Goodness gracious! Phillip...there is something wrong with
your head!
Phil: There is?
Marla: Yes. It’s really enormous!
Phil: Oh,
goodness. Yeah, that happens
sometimes. See, it’s probably
just a little reaction to all the chalk in here. Eh, what can you do? (activates
it again and his head returns to normal size—but spins around)
Marla: AH! Phil, I think you should go to the
nurse.
Phil: No, I’m
fine! Really! So what do you say? Let’s get started on those
sonnets, eh?
Marla (exasperated sigh): Okay...
Phil (activates DNA scrambler again and his head
shrinks and Marla screams): What? Oh, did my head shrink again? Yeah, well, I understand if you
don’t want to hang out with me anymore. Yep, I’m uh, pretty grotesque.
Marla: Now Phillip, I
wasn’t raised to judge a person on how they look on the outside. (Phil
returns his head back to normal) What I care about is what’s on the
inside. And Phillip Diffy, your
insides are cuter than a button’s butt! (Phil
uneasily smiles and makes a
“what-should-I-do-now” desperate face)
Scene
11a – The orchestra recital. Pim and Bradley
are in front of the auditorium doors.
Bradley: Pim, can I
speak to you?
Pim: Don’t
worry. I practiced my gongs all night! My Dad said I sounded great—right
before he left to get a motel room.
Bradley: Pim,
there’s no easy way to say this; but, I rewrote the piece and we
won’t be needing your help tonight.
Pim: You took out
my gongs?
Bradley: Yes.
Pim (walks even closer to him): Did Debbie
Berwick put you up to this?
Bradley (shakes his head): No!
Pim: Bradley
Benjamin Farmer, look me in the eye.
Was this Berwick’s idea?
Bradley: She-she may
have suggested it...
Pim: Well, hey! These things happen. Can I see you in this dark, dusty closet
for one sec?
Bradley: But why? (Pim
grabs him by the collar and takes him in
the closet ... Scene cut to Pim
dressed in Bradley’s tuxedo coming out of the closet
without him)
Pim (to herself out loud): So, you think you
can ruin my new hobby? Think again,
Berwick, ‘cause there’s a new conductor in town and she’s nasty! (a
kid in the orchestra with glasses comes up to her and Pim points her conducting
wand at him) You! Leave! (he
scurries off and Pim looks over her wand evilly)
Scene
11b – Auditorium stage where the performance is about to start. Debbie
Berwick enters and the audience claps.
Debbie: Thank you,
thank you! You’re too
kind! Thank you! (Pim
enters in front of her and takes a bow) Pim, what’re you doing here?
Pim: Bradley had an
emergency. He ran out of hair
gel. Asked me to fill in. (to
the audience) Good evening
ladies and gentlemen! This first
piece I will conduct was written a long time ago by a dead guy. I hope you enjoy it! (Pim
starts up the orchestra and Debbie begins to sing “Give My Regards to Broadway” ... Pim speeds
up the tempo rapidly)
Debbie: And say that I’ll be there e’er long... (Pim
does not stop conducting Debbie from holding this last note.
Debbie keeps holding the note for a very long period of time. Pim
grins)
Scene
12 – Phil knocks on Keely’s door.
And she steps outside with a hula-hoop and sounds of cats meowing and
hissing are coming from inside her house.
Keely: Phil,
what’s going on?
Phil: Keely,
it’s getting out of hand. I
either have to marry Marla or leave town.
(Phil focuses on the cat sounds and looks in briefly) What was that?
Keely (closes the door): My Mom and her friends
are having a cat circus—don’t ask!
Phil: Marla says
that she loved me for what’s on the inside. Puh! Does that stink or what? (Keely
laughs) Keely, it’s not funny! And it’s not fair! Girls have all these rules and
we’re supposed to figure out what they are.
Keely: Are you
kidding? It’s not easy for
us, either!
Phil: Well, I have absolutely
no idea how it’s going on in Marla’s head.
Keely: Phil, sure you
do. She thinks you’re cute,
funny, and sensitive. The problem
is she doesn’t know what’s going on in your head.
Phil: What am I
supposed to do? Be like Tia and
kick her to the curb?
Keely: It’s
probably just best to be yourself.
You’re cute, funny, and sensitive! You know, guide her to the curb.
Scene
11c – Debbie is still holding her lengthy note that Pim won’t let
up conducting on...so lengthy that she had enough time to get a pizza delivered
to her at the her conducting podium.
She hands the wand to the pizza guy to hold it up as she gathers up her
money to pay for the pizza. Then
she takes over again taking a bite of her pizza slice. She yawns and finally conducts Debbie to
finish her note. The audience goes
wild and applauses greatly. Pim looks very
surprised at the reaction.
Pim (Debbie leads her off the podium and to the apron of the stage): How could
this happen?! They love you!
Debbie: Because you
challenged me. You took my singing
to whole new heights! Thank
you! (forces Pim to bow with her)
Scene
13 – Mr. Ginsberg’s classroom. Phil arrives late.
Mr. Ginsberg: Glad you could
join us, Mr. Diffy.
Marla: Where have you been, Philly Willy?
Phil: I was actually
writing you something. A poem.
Marla: You wrote me a
poem?
Phil: Yeah. Yeah,
but uh, here.
Don’t-don’t read it, though...right now. (Mr.
Ginsberg snatches the poem out of Phil’s
hand)
Mr. Ginsberg: Well, look
who’s not only late, but we’re passing notes! Perhaps you would like to read this in
front of everybody?
Phil: NO! No, thank you, though! Um, it’s not really for everybody.
Mr. Ginsberg: Ah, I’ll
read it. (clears throat) A poem
by Phil Diffy to Marla Beauregard—When I...
Phil: Okay, thank
you! Thank you! (snatches
the paper back from his teacher’s hands) I’ll...do it. (pauses
briefly, looks around the class, to take a deep breath out of being nervous) I met you in the hallway only a week
ago/Your beauty so radiant/Like new fallen snow/We studied our hearts out/The
time we’ll never regret/But there’s been something on my mind
that’s making me fret/So here’s the truth the simplest way I know
how/We can’t go on—not never, and not now. (he
sits down and takes a sigh of relief—Marla stands and walks to the
front of the class) Marla, I
just want to let you know...it came from the heart. (Marla
grabs Mr. Ginsberg’s drink
and walks over to Phil)
Mr. Ginsberg: Marla,
that’s my Coco-nana Smoothie!
(Marla takes the top off of the smoothie cup, pulls Phil by the collar, and dumps the
drink down his shirt) You...!
Marla: Save it! I know where the principal’s
office is! (looks at Phil disgustedly and trudges out of the
classroom)
Scene
14 – Hallway. Phil runs into Keely as he walks out
of class with a stained shirt.
Phil: Well, I did
it.
Keely: Yeah, I
heard. It’s all over
campus. I can’t believe you
broke up with her by poem!
Phil: You told me to
be cute, funny, and sensitive!
Keely: But a poem?
Phil: Eh, she likes
poetry!
Keely (laughs): Not anymore! Phil, Phil. You have so much more to learn.
Phil: Like we start
how to get a smoothie stain out of my shirt?
>> CUE LAST COMMERCIAL BREAK <<
Ending
Scene – Bradley is standing in the hallway, in his undergarments,
talking to a teacher or supervisor that is taking down information.
Bradley: Sh-she only
had one name—Pim—blonde—angry...yet strangely
attractive... (teacher continues to write the last characteristic) Hey, don’t write that!